Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?

Dear Harar Li

My advice to you and those who are swearing about harari guys. follow your religon the only solution for this world. weather you are in western world or else whaere all the time the same which can never change the conistitusion of the marriage low of islamic way. follow that and we all will be save.

Dear Sami –

I am sorry you feel that way about our women…I am sure there are good ones out there and just because you had a taste of a few bad apples doesn’t mean that there aren’t any good ones left out there. Relationships are hard, complicated and not easy to manage. Both men and women have to give in 50/50, and it takes two people to make it work and succeed.
We all have a story to tell about our relationship experiences and we all blame the other person for the failures. In our minds we all think that we gave it all, but when it fails we never stop to ask why it failed, how it failed and what we could have done better when we were in it. Try to live by this simple philosophy…do your best, show the other person your genuine side, be true to your feelings, communicate well (so that there are no surprises down the line), make sure that you both are on the same page, talk about your likes, dislikes, your do’s, don’ts and your principles. I know most of us are not that open enough to discuss all these things, but then again what good does it do if we don’t talk about it before we get in it?
I wish there was a how to guide book on relationships . None of us are perfect, and the most we can do as individuals are to be responsible for our actions, and do the right thing. After doing your part you find that the person you are with is the wrong one for you then get out of the relationship and move on. I am sure that God has a plan for all of us.

Hadith and sharia? I honestly don’t like to discuss religion with people (personal preference), but one thing I would like to say is that do we all follow Hadith and sahria to the fullest? Do we abide by God’s word? Do we treat our men and women the way God wanted us to treat them? Unless you practice this to the fullest yourself I don’t think it is fare for you to generalize and say the following:

“They undermine the Shariaa just to get more material interest and privilege undermining the value of Islam”.

If you honestly believe they do, then it is between the individual and their God. Who are we to say or who are we judge when we ourselves don’t know what we are doing is right or wrong?

So, dear Sami please let us stop pointing fingers and try to do our part right. Inshallah, God willing we will all find our perfect soul mates. Good luck to all my single brothers and sisters.

First of all i would like to say not all harari women are looking for
non harari men. BUT i know some who think harari men are not right for
them. this is not my opinion but their's. THEY think harari men think
life is a joke and time for bercha than rather spend time with family.
Its not about who adapts to the western culture faster and who doesnt.
Life in harar and life here is completely different. BOTH women and men
need to adjust themseleves to the typical western lifestyle. and when i
mean western life style i do not mean bringing flowers just because its
Wednesday. what i mean by western life style is going to work and
raising children and etc. So no matter what ethnicity he or she is, a
lot of things will sti;ll be the same...harari or not. and religion
pretty much has nothing to do with it. there are hararai men who are
religious and those who arent. also there are non harari men who are
not religious and those who are. Again, this is just what a few people
think.

First of all i would like to say not all harari women are looking for
non harari men. BUT i know some who think harari men are not right for
them. this is not my opinion but their's. THEY think harari men think
life is a joke and time for bercha than rather spend time with family.
Its not about who adapts to the western culture faster and who doesnt.
Life in harar and life here is completely different. BOTH women and men
need to adjust themseleves to the typical western lifestyle. and when i
mean western life style i do not mean bringing flowers just because its
Wednesday. what i mean by western life style is going to work and
raising children and etc. So no matter what ethnicity he or she is, a
lot of things will sti;ll be the same...harari or not. and religion
pretty much has nothing to do with it. there are hararai men who are
religious and those who arent. also there are non harari men who are
not religious and those who are. Again, this is just what a few people
think.

Eman –



You are right not all Harari women are looking for non-Harari men and if you read my first posting it never said ‘all harari women are looking for non-Harari men’. My posting clearly states that most are heading that way, but not all. There are plenty of Harai women who are looking for Harari men and that is great. We all want that, and we all encourage that. Whether you are with a Harari man or not there are things that we all expect from our mates. For some it could be the simplest thing as receiving flowers occasionally, for others it could be spending some quality time with our mates and kids instead of heading for bercha and shisha.

You are right; what ever ethnic groups we are from most things are the same. It is 50/50, and it is give and take. I think the frustration for some of our women (again this just my opinion after talking to some of my female friends) is the fact that Harai men are not on the same page as them. Maybe one of our frustrated Harari women who read this can elaborate on this one for all of us. I am just the messenger here, I hear you ladies and I am doing my part to change

I was recently in north America, and have seen the attitude of our people there. I my self are from another western country, but the complete opposite, what I want to say here is. Seams the very few gals that are complaining about lads are in denial about their duties, they want their men changing to suit the western harari gals mental attitude.

I got questions???? And my possible answers.

Did you gals adjust your selves to suit the lads? why want them change?
You’ve changed to western way and want him also to change that way? Remember in the west over 50% of marriages end up in divorce, then there must be something wrong with their formula.
isn’t the goal at the end marriage? Then adjust you life to that not to the person
Stop thinking men have to change to the ladies needs, cause they don’t ask you to change?
When he brings u chocolate what do u do for him?
When he buys you blings what do u do for him?
When he bys you flowers what do u do for him?
Women are always the teachers, why don’t you spend the effort to teach your men and your sons to be the men you want them to be?
Oh yeh if the gals end up with another men and it didn’t work out do they blame their ethnic too? And what next………………………………....................

Just like a brother said b4 me there is only one way out and that is b4 u get in the business of marriage learn you religion, it has all the solution “it a complete Deen we have “, there was a story between Rusul A.S.W.S. and one sahabiy he asked “who in this world has the most rights befalls them or owe “HAKK” most? And Rasul A.S.W.S. said “your mothers ” the man asked the question two more time again, and it was the same answer. The man asked what about women, whose right do the befall or owe? And Rasul A.S.W.S. said “their husband”

Dear Ahlii



I don’t think we as Harari women are looking to change our men to be like the western guys 100%. Come on, that is impossible to do, what planet are you living in? As women, all we are asking for is very simple. Just pay attention to our needs, jut share the responsibilities with us. It is common to assume that raising a child is the woman’s job while he is kicking it with his buddies at bercha. Yes, that may be the case back home, and that may be the case in some parts of the world. When you contribute as much as the guy outside of home, I think it is only fare to divide the work load at home as well. Our men think that marrying a woman is having someone at home that will take care of their cooking needs, their laundry needs and their day care needs. Please, give me a break. Our mothers stayed at home and took care of their kids when our fathers went out and worked, and that is a fair trade, but asking the woman to work outside and come home and continue to do the same is just wrong. So when we say we want our men to change, all we are asking for is just help out around the house and share the domestic work load with us.

You are right, men might not ask us to change, but did it ever occur to you why that might be? Maybe it is because we have already adapted to the western way of living and thinking and we are already there. Why would they ask us to change? We are already there and there is nothing to change to except for the brother to catch up.

Ahii, you did ask some good questions and I honestly did not think that there was a catch when my man did these things for me, but here are my answers on behalf of all our Harari sisters…

When he brings you chocolate what do u do for him?

I make sure that he is well taken care of.

When he buys you blings what do u do for him?

I make sure that his kids are taken care of.

When he buys you flowers what do u do for him?

I make sure that his laundry is done, his food is cooked and his house is clean.

Yes, we are the teachers, and we are doing our part to teach our men and our boys. After doing all this, the end result is very discouraging, these men are not good students, they are not getting it and that is why some of the Harari women are looking elsewhere to marry.It is funny how most men throw religion at the woman’s face, but one thing that these men are forgetting is how our religion is such a fair religion that says treat all human kind fairly. Our religion does not say let the woman raise your child alone while you are having such a wonderful time at bercah. Our religion does not say that you ignore your responsibilities while she is doing her part. So brother, before you quote what our religion says please stop and ask yourself if you did all the religion has asked you to do when it comes to your mate.

Hello Brother/Sister Harar Li:

In addition to what Eman said, which I certainly agree, Harari men need to be respectful toward their soul mate. Most, even all of Harari women want to be with Harari men. However, if some of the ingredients are missing, that would be a problem. I am not trying to talk to Harari women; however, inadequate treatments as well as abnormal behavioral pattern from Harari men push them to find non Harari men. Some of those things need to be corrected if we need to develop productive Harari community. Marriage (also known as reproductive success according to Darwin) is very important to increase our efficiency and our capability we as a society. Otherwise, Darwinism theory will strike us soon.

May allah make us productive.

Shash, A.M

I have observed some most difficulties with our Harari women, first you only know her after you marry her, and they are moody lack of consistency on their behavior and sometimes difficult to adjust yourselves
The other problem they are highly been influenced with the western culture and trying to confuse the principle of Shariaa with the 'women’s right' of the western international organizations.
In Sharia the man is master of the house period! she must obey unless otherwise he tells her against the principle of the religion! Of course he must fulfill her basic needs but my point is why they always come with logic of western culture to argue blindly against shariea ?
I agree let of us all first forget the western culture then learn about the shariaa ‘Babu Nikah’ next let us strictly adhere to it, sure it resolves our entire social problem.

Sami -



I think your comment about knowing a woman after marrying here applies to the men too. We can sit here and point fingers at each other and call out each other’s short comings, but I don’t think that is the solution. We know there is a problem and it has been identified, but the question we all need to ask ourselves is what are we doing about it?

The funny thing about our men and some of the guys who have responded to this posting are quick to throw in religion. We know the Sharia, we have read the Quran and we have listened to numerous hadith, and if I am not mistaken it doesn’t apply ONLY TO WOMEN it also applies to men. Sami, you mentioned that ‘man is master of the house period!’, but please don’t forget that ‘WOMEN ARE THE HEART OF THE HOUSE’. Once your heart stops beating, we all know what happens with that said I want to share the following with you all and conclude my posting…



"It is not enough to just have faith in principle; we must put our faith into practice as well."

Leila K.

Let me start by asking my self ,why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry? It is such a broad question that can't be answered by individual experience. Don't get me wrong these individual experiences are some of the ingredients for the current issue. We all know,divorece rate has going up exponentialy through out the world especially in western countries;this shows relationship issue is global. But when it comes to Harari society the issue generates magnificent crisis. Some of my sisters tried to address why our community is in such deep trouble; but most of were focused on in an individual level. Some of you said Harari men were not pay attention,Harari men would not help you in the house, some of you even sound you did some sort of phychological research on Harari men behavioral pattern. Come on... Ladies don't lie to yourself to justify you weakness and your faulty decision. Don't deny to yourself that you will not be Happy with Harari men. Give me a break, Ladies you complain about everything and antthing about Harari men, I even see when Harari women whine about her sexual life with Harari men. Waw, some of even proud of being westernized;Do you know what is really meant "westernized" It meant:Leaving your respected culture and tradition;eventually suffering identity crisis. This the situation that most of you are fallen. Yes,someHarari men might not be treating you right like in every society. In every community men have buddies they go out together play pool,cards,watch soccer or football...etc with out their soulmate. Non of you have complain when this kind activity carried on, You just whine when Harari men do "BERCHA" would you please be fair with Harari men. Finally, I would like to touch about helping you around the house. As we all know Harari men come from a back ground that men always work outside the house and women do the house work,eventhough Harari men come from such an old tradition we become accustomed to help our beloved once in the hous .Tell me one person in North America who does not help his wife...at least he wash the dishes, vacume the house, do laudry...etc we (Harari men)at least tried to meet you in the middle not in your case. You just complain about Harari men blindly. Please do ,with all respect find your soulmate in other community. We are not like sponge that sucks every thing without filtering it. We choose some of the good western culture and leave the bad once.

"wellaad Bedidbaab teehiidd....there are a lot of Harari Women who does not suck all in all the western culture.
See you next time,Your Brother.

Laila

yes it is imparative to quickly refer religon when it comes concerning religon issue. Mariage is concerning religon. If marriage was not obligatory i would have lived with with women without marriage try to work it out if it doesn't work just leave it easly look for another one. But you married to a woman with sharia there are things that you have to give up and the other party also do same acordinggly. comparing to western socieny still hararis are the lowest in divorce rate. those who respect thier tradition and follow their religon they live together forever while both sides in some cases disagree in some matter and agree with most of the house hold matter. My fellow harari women don't be fooled by false glitered western culture most of them are bad and there are some benfit lik my fellow brother concern said take the good part and leave the bad part for them.

Ahaa

if you preferred to marry non- hararis for whatever reason,it is up to you , but i will tell you my sister
you will be the loser we have saying KUCHAN KUCH GEY WELDIN YIMAJAL


for sure if you prefer to do so you will be the loser, all your family will stand against you , social relation with Hararis
will be complicated , and your kids will face identity crises therefore
i advice you better to stick to your men tollerating whatever the short come

Concerne



I think you are confusing speaking up about issues that affect our daily lives with whinnying. That is just wrong…we all know that our men are not that creative in the bedroom and I will just leave it at that.

Being westernized doesn’t mean that you forget about your religion, culture and traditions, it just means that you try to get away from the old ways of thinking and try to adopt to the new ways. Change is good, and when we say we want our men to change we are not asking them to forget about their religion, culture and traditions. It kills me to see how some of our Harari men who have no problem in adapted to the wrong ways of the western culture, but when we ask them to stop thinking like our grandpas we are told we cry too much.

Everyone deserves to have a friend that they can hang out with besides their spouses and kids, but it is good to have limitations and boundaries. Go to your bercha house and bond with your friends, but don’t forget that there is a wife and a child that is waiting for you at home. Make it a once a week thing, and don’t make it an almost every day thing.What kind of examples are we setting to our kids who are born here? I don’t want to tell my kid that their father is chewing god knows what with his buddies everyday. I would rather have this man take our kids to sports games, libraries; museums etc…therefore when my daughters grow up, they will aspire to be women of excellence and ambition. Additionally when my boys become men, their expectations and views of marriage includes a partnership with an intelligent and successful Harari woman. With further education and communication, men and women can understand and respect one another’s roles in society and in the home, which will ultimately benefit future generations.

Guys -



KUCHAN KUCH GEY WELDIN YIMAJAL? That is just too funny J I would rather have a non-Harari man that will treat me well and with respect than KUCHAN KUCH GEY WELDI that is just useless any day. Life is too short and too precious. I honestly don’t have time to play this game called ‘stick to your men and tolerate what ever the short come might be’ as Stick mentioned in his posting. Maybe there are women who might want to play that game with you all KUCHAN KUCH GEY WELDACH, but not me honey!

Stick, I don’t think you have lived outside of Ethiopia to see what identity crisis is when it comes to our young kids here. They are already confused; do you think it is because their mother married a non-Harari man? I think you are wrong; these kids are confused because we as parents, as aunts and uncles don’t take the time to educate them on both the cultures. We are so closed minded and afraid when it comes to adapting to the western culture we don’t discuss it with our kids. These kids learn what they learn outside of the home, and it is hard for them to identify and embrace both the cultures and don’t know how to deal with it. I was one of these kids who did not know how to adjust to it, but thanks to friends and family I am where I am at today. So please don’t tell me that my kids will face identity crisis just because I choose to marry outside.
Another thing I want to say is about your comment regarding family standing against me. Such a sorry comment L I don’t think my family will be against me if I marry a non-Harari man, why should they be? As long as the man I am with is Muslim and he follows the religion, and practice it 100%, as long as he treats me with respect and love me unconditionally why should that be an issue? Do you honestly believe that our families want us to marry someone we are not happy to live with and see us suffer? Maybe your family might do that, but not mine. I really am not worried about that, and I think my family would probably encourage it more than anything seeing what they have seen already when it comes to our men. I guess to each his own!

Leila

The kuchankuch gaye waldii reminded me of some saying of our harari grand mothers if you marry non Harari they say Maneneta- zeyloo , manetzoww zeyuquoo magaan ayushbeenaa

if you marry Harari they will tell ... Usuee waldii , manetzoww yukozal, ziqeh ziqeh laybee wadaqaa

Any way some sample statistics shows the numbers female Harari became double to that of men and most of them are not willing to be married as second wife,

that is why many unmarried girls are remained at home therefore It is good opinion for those of you who don’t have the chance to marry Harari better rash to try chance to marry non Harari Muslim as’ something is better than nothing ‘but don’t tell him my people are Zerengoochh nacheww.

sami u forgot one ZELKABILAA YAQABLAL better to first search form hararis

Lets not focus on harari women looking elsewhere to marry...there are flaws in men/women of every culture, no guarantee that person of other culture will be more compatible with harari women. It all breaks down to finding the one you can compromise with, one who is truely God fearing.

This topic breaks down, not only to choosing harari or non harari husband/wife, please, everyone try to focus on the fact that hariri culture revolves around ISLAM. It seems like people like to sift through the rules and regulations of what religion states,(those who think r aware of it) to fit thier lifestyle, neither is religion a weapon. IF muslim men/women understand religion to a full extent, there should NOT be compatibility issues.
First of all, as stated above by "concerne" ya'all are generalizing when it comes to why harari women are looking elsewhere to marry, its a broad subject to discuss and come to a mutual agreement, true some harari men were brought up learning that men are supposed to work outside while the women does the house work, but keep into consideration that we live in America, where women work just as hard as men do and women have the same rights as men do, even with that in mind, she should be treated as a wife as stated in Islam.
Everyone seems to have a complain about specific flaws in marriage that face them individualy, such as bercha, not doing chores around the house....shouldn't that be accomplished through communicating with each other? and not on the fact that they're harari? Also, from my understanding, some/most men tend to have split personality, after marriage, they turn out to be the person they never were,for the worst of course..anyhow, as I mentioned before harari men/women need to realise that religion plays a huge part of culture.
Most/some Harari, women are swearing off from being married to harari men because of the fact they are inclined too much towards sticking within the culture and are not exposed to people of other cultural background, of course its easier to relate to someone of the same culture, but in my opinion it is not a big part of happy marriage. Please, brothers and sisters work towards seeking Islamic knowlege (from reliable sources), and make it a way of life.

why harari women are looking elsewhere to marry?
a very simple genuine and straight reply when they could not find Hararies , whatever the pretext the answer is clear if they could not find Harari then they will go to the next option to non Harari

alhamdulilaah am harari!
i wouldn’t change it for any other, i was raised in western world and i wouldnt change my culture to the western culture, not even 4 a $$million, why are we so poised in following and accepting their way, when they don’t accept us unless we completely change and accept their way of life??? simple they will not accept you unless u follow their religion culture and thoughts, on top of that there is ur skin color BOOOOOOM! ur just another starving African refugee to them.

as of the point my sister made, said above i have a mother n sisters i respect and i would hate it for them to be unhappy at home, work outside come home n more work is waiting, this wrong and unfair and religiously unacceptable, insane n wrong,"Rasul allehi salat wa salam used to help his wifes at home in house shores, n he was the bread winner, he used to carry his kids, grand kids" true Deen says women should obey husbands, but not slave them n make them servant, n b4 u marry him find out what he is all bout study him, even gold is tested with fire, test him at the end only if u learn ur religion u will save your self and family, know your rights and his rights and every1 knows their limitations, n so and so and so.....................
as of harari guy bashing, n harari women bashing ppl, u marry another man/women from other culture, ur marrying another man/women and they are all the saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame! borne in 9months, eat sleep n think with brains, dont fool ur selfe by saying my ppl are bad, if u think that then find ur self an Elian.



its end less, make it easier n speak about one issue at a time mybe then a better solution will be found for future generation!